Monday, 25 March 2013

My Absence

So I'm a pretty terrible person. I've neglected everyone on here for most if not all of this year. Truth is I've been stuck in a circle of shame so big I just haven't been able to get through. I'm still really huge because the honest truth is I have much bigger problems in life than those pertaining to my vanity. I haven't made it to uni ... Really... long story and definitely won't go until next year unless I win the lottery. Me and my mum are in a really weird place, I've tried letting bygones be bygones but she constantly reminds me that she's the cause of most of my misery - even being the sort of wild child that I was whilst still being one of the smartest in my year shouldn't justify how she treated me and how small I was made to feel. Then there's my boyfriend ... This month marks a year of us living together and each day I wake up next to him I'm just not certain which feelings I'll have for him. I'm certain that I love him but I have no clue how long it will last, whether I can remain faithful to him or if he's even good enough for me. It's so weird and probably terrible of me to say but I feel like he represents all the things in my life which are stopping me from being the happiest I can be and living the life I deserve.

These are all the feelings I've been trying to cope with in my absence. I may or may not have mentioned this here but I have struggled with a serious depression a number of times since the age of 16. I can't say I am suicidal but there have been times most recently last month we're ending it seemed the only option. If I can't be truly happy I wonder how it might be to just sink into the abyss.

But I'm afraid of dying so instead it really is time to change my life completely starting with my weight. I have some huge problems to contend with but GOD I would love to know how it feels to be comfortable in my own skin. It would make tackling life so much easier.

I shan't say anymore right now just want to read up on all your lovely blogs... Hope you all remembered me :)

J xxx