Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Life update

First of all... Today I am 226.2 pounds with a body fat percentage of 50.3

Next. My life, as it always has done, sucks. I read a couple of my last posts on here the other day and laughed mirthlessly at how little things had changed in over 10 months, or a year or 2 years! Any little change there has been, was for the absolute worse. I'll break it down in as concise a way as possible.

Weight loss.

Well if there is anyone still out there who has even glanced one of my past blog posts you'll see from the figure above I have done nothing but gain weight. There was a period in the way back when I lost whichever anoint of pounds, but stood here today nearing 230 pounds that means nothing now. My biggest gripe with myself is that I shed a Nile river of tears when I first hit 190 pounds and was so disgusted in my appearance, but now nearly 40 pounds down the line I've basically just accepted my gross look. My complacency of escalating to a dress size 20 over 3 months makes me want to cut myself to understand if I even know how to feel. But I'm a wuss so that won't happen!


Today I have started the saints and slimmers diet, I think it's available only in the UK. It's your typical low carb VLCD same sort of products as the Cambridge diet I had tried maybe 2 or more years ago. I chose this one because its the absolute cheapest, I want to lose weight but I don't want to think about creating some wacky juice, soup or other recipe everyday when I have a job to go to every bloody day. We'll see how this goes, my will power is definitely up there but oddly I have a new motivation to be a miserable slim person than the miserable fatty I already am.


I still live with that man and hate it. That's no to say I don't love him because I very much do, but there are many days that I don't particularly like him and feel I should probably be with someone else... More on that later.


I have slowly rebuilt some sort of relationship with the woman but it is based on a lie. I pretend I have changed - with regards to losing weight and my bad credit history - both of which have just gone from bad to worse, and she pretends she's more caring and loves me for who I am (who she thinks I am anyway). I feel that I should really make a go of fixing are relationship but the kind of woman she is dictates that that won't be possible until I have 'fixed' myself and can at least be 50% happy in my own skin as opposed to 0.5. It would help my resilience for one thing as she preys on my self hate.


Still not there! Can you imagine that?! Well the only step taken is that I have re-chosen a course in buying and merchandising, and readied my application. Annoyingly waiting for my current manager to stop dragging her feet and write my personal statement so there you go. There's still the mystery of how to raise the funds to actually go... Considering the universities I wish to go to it will either be £9000 or £7800, however I know both would allow me to pay half on enrolling and the rest on some sort of payment plan, a long way to go regardless as I should have at least £4500 by September and I have exactly £30 in the tuition fee fund at this moment.


I kinda hate-like the company I'm working for but at the end of the day I've negotiated two raises and can't shun the money for anything with this mountain I have to climb so I'm pretty much dealing with it. The main reason why it's best now more than ever to lose weight is that is the single thing holding me back from earning twice as much from less days work. So drop 6

Monday, 25 March 2013

My Absence

So I'm a pretty terrible person. I've neglected everyone on here for most if not all of this year. Truth is I've been stuck in a circle of shame so big I just haven't been able to get through. I'm still really huge because the honest truth is I have much bigger problems in life than those pertaining to my vanity. I haven't made it to uni ... Really... long story and definitely won't go until next year unless I win the lottery. Me and my mum are in a really weird place, I've tried letting bygones be bygones but she constantly reminds me that she's the cause of most of my misery - even being the sort of wild child that I was whilst still being one of the smartest in my year shouldn't justify how she treated me and how small I was made to feel. Then there's my boyfriend ... This month marks a year of us living together and each day I wake up next to him I'm just not certain which feelings I'll have for him. I'm certain that I love him but I have no clue how long it will last, whether I can remain faithful to him or if he's even good enough for me. It's so weird and probably terrible of me to say but I feel like he represents all the things in my life which are stopping me from being the happiest I can be and living the life I deserve.

These are all the feelings I've been trying to cope with in my absence. I may or may not have mentioned this here but I have struggled with a serious depression a number of times since the age of 16. I can't say I am suicidal but there have been times most recently last month we're ending it seemed the only option. If I can't be truly happy I wonder how it might be to just sink into the abyss.

But I'm afraid of dying so instead it really is time to change my life completely starting with my weight. I have some huge problems to contend with but GOD I would love to know how it feels to be comfortable in my own skin. It would make tackling life so much easier.

I shan't say anymore right now just want to read up on all your lovely blogs... Hope you all remembered me :)

J xxx

Monday, 8 October 2012

I was doing so well ...

I hate to even say it but I lost 5 pounds since tuesday . . .

Then put on a few pounds,

And now I'm 212 pounds again.

Diet wise what better day to re-commit myself to weight loss and declare clean eating and more exercise than a monday?!? I really enjoy the celebrity slim shakes bars and soups they are seriously the most delicious thing but my only downfall this past week has been getting legless drunk twice like two sets of hangovers, two nights out where I was so wasted I would down any food offered to me.

But no more, I sense an honest change I really think and hope I can lose 22 pounds MINIMUM in 23 days (so by the end of October). If i can be 190 by end of October I don't see why I couldn't be 175 by my birthday (November 24th).

Anyways in other news, I recently found out that the man I love and am currently living with - my boyfriend is not all he claims, in fact it led to one of my drunken nights. When we got together we promised we'd tell each other everything about our pasts so there would be no surprises. We had been good friends and lovers on off for 6 years by then so I just ASSUMED he was telling the truth ... WRONG. The lesson to be learned here is all men lie, and not even little missable white lies all out lies about when they last saw there exes or whether they did or didn't have a key to the flat you claim they never even set foot in... pfft WHATEVER.

I wont babble on. I am all about me right now, I will work hard on my body and he can work hard on TRYING to keep me, silly pig.

Laters dolls,

Tuesday, 2 October 2012

And so it begins...

I woke up this morning at a whopping 213.6 pounds. Bad news.

I had a crazy bingefest at like 2 in the morning due to being at work through the night and all this crazy food was provided.

Good news - my celebrity slim pack has arrived and I've had my strawberry milkshake for breakfast this morning and will be having a meal replacement bar for lunch with lots and lots and LOTS of water. Dinner I haven't decided yet so yeah.

It's October and I feel realistically I should try and lose like 30pounds.. So hopefully 180-185 at the end of October. Really need to exercise as well Anyhu off I go to uni!

Laters x

Friday, 28 September 2012

I've Said This Before But...

I have to bite the bullet and say that when it comes to food and dieting I rarely remain a woman of my word. I have been so up and down emotionally that it seems anything I can place my hands on gets thrown in my mouth down my gusset and into my stomach. and thighs. and buttocks. (and boobs).

Like seriously everyone has noticed that my boobs have pretty much doubled in size over 3 months!! like I can no longer wear the bras I own I have taken my measurements the other day which are alarming!! So I shall pop them in a spreadsheet at some point and also put them on this site when I can.

Anyhu what I was trying to get at was that a while ago I attempted to do the cambridge weight loss plan and totally bombed because half the shit I spent money on tasted like crap but I did technically shed a few pounds. I've decided to embark on something slightly different but really its under the umbrella of the same products just this time by a company called CelebritySlim for you UK slimmers out there who are interested it is cheaper by far to order direct. So thus far I have ordered shakes, meal bars, soups and snack bars which I hope to use alongside huge amounts of water to get rid of at least 30 pounds. Now, I'm not saying I will lose all the weight in this way but I am of the opinion that I cant begin to think about eating healthily and undertaking strenuous exercise until my body is at least within a healthy limit. My weight since passing the 190 mark has become a true physical burden and I know its to blame for my weakening joints an more and more muscle and back ache I get after one or two days work. Once I get down to simply being overweight rather than obese or even morbidly obese I can truly tackle wider issues like eating habits, emotional issues or bodyshape.

That's how I see it anyway... what do y'all think??

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Furious With My Boyfriend

I can't even be bothered to go into all the details of what the hell is going on with us but he has a terrible attitude and refuses to acknowledge when he's wrong. Like he's the type of guy that simply says sorry because he thinks that's what you want to hear.

Lately I've found out a lot that maybe I would have rather not about this man I once thought I loved.... He has an obsession with girls liking him like seriously I think it partly comes from him knowing how "technically" good looking I am (without wanting to sound conceited of course) but also he knows my last couple of exes were good looking and in shape. He has a pot belly which has probably made being with him so much easier - so much so I have literally put on a ton of weight. Well this young man though supposedly fully committed to me (HA) likes to trawl through his phone and try to start conversations with girls that quite frankly shouldn't even still be in his phone. I caught him tell a girl he just met and was working with two months ago that he was missing her smile (a comment I thought he reserved for me) and this girl who he like tries to get in her pants but couldn't as shes a virgin waiting for marriage he is always trying to speak to and like from what I gathered she rarely replies but he went so far as to add her on instagram!! so he can jus leer at her whenever he likes. The more I think about it the more I hate him it's like he is desperately trying to forge relationships with these girls who kno he has a girlfriend so don't even care. What else explains his obsession with commenting on all these girls photos and saying inappropriate things.

He makes me want to cheat; screw him over before he does me. Show him how it's really fucking done I am better than him in every way and he should be busy cherishing and appreciating the shit I do for him not wasting time on girls that don't care. I have so much rage within me and its just my motivation. I am going to lose soo much weight get sooo much hotter and prettier go out much more get my degree get a great job and fucking move on. And this guy will still be in the same place. All in all this ones not going to be able to hold onto me!


End Rant.


Monday, 24 September 2012

Grey Skies

It is soooo disgustingly grey and dreary in the UK right now like come on all over the world people can still go out and get a tan . . . but over here in miserable London im having to think about getting a new fucking winter coat BECAUSE I'M 20 POUNDS HEAVIER THAN LAST WINTER

Anyways, i'm the sort of person who loves watching hood drama shows like LA Basketball wives,  Love and Hip Hop and my newly found obsession - BAD GIRLS CLUB! Anyone out there as obsessed with it as me?? I don't know I just feel like I really am a bad girl at heart (you dont even know...) and I just love the drama AND it is so chock full of thinspiring chicks that remind me how fucking great my life could be if I just drop this mountain of weight I carry around. Like it is my 22nd birthday in exactly 2 months and next year me and my friends have planned trips to miami and amsterdam. I am such a lardo right now I dont even wana talk about that aspect. Im currently watching season 6 of bad girls and this bitch Ashley King is my total fave, I think she's real pretty and I actually do resemble her slightly (ok very slightly but my boyfriend thinks it!)

If I had to guess I would say she's like a size 2 or a 4 at the most (US) her boobs are fake though but generally her body is so stunning.

Moving on to the not so stunning (me) I did say i'd post a photo of myself on here so you guys can see the shocking reality of how large i am. Apologies if I cause anyone to hysterically vomit or blackout ... i'm gross

Forgive the pretty lame photo I took a quick snap whilst helping out at my friend's shop. Yup I am crazy fat :( I have two months to get just a little slimmer for damns sake. I'm a dress size 16/18 at the moment btw so US 12/14 and you can see how top heavy I am!