Life update

First of all... Today I am 226.2 pounds with a body fat percentage of 50.3

Next. My life, as it always has done, sucks. I read a couple of my last posts on here the other day and laughed mirthlessly at how little things had changed in over 10 months, or a year or 2 years! Any little change there has been, was for the absolute worse. I'll break it down in as concise a way as possible.

Weight loss.

Well if there is anyone still out there who has even glanced one of my past blog posts you'll see from the figure above I have done nothing but gain weight. There was a period in the way back when I lost whichever anoint of pounds, but stood here today nearing 230 pounds that means nothing now. My biggest gripe with myself is that I shed a Nile river of tears when I first hit 190 pounds and was so disgusted in my appearance, but now nearly 40 pounds down the line I've basically just accepted my gross look. My complacency of escalating to a dress size 20 over 3 months makes me want to cut myself to understand if I even know how to feel. But I'm a wuss so that won't happen!

Diet.

Today I have started the saints and slimmers diet, I think it's available only in the UK. It's your typical low carb VLCD same sort of products as the Cambridge diet I had tried maybe 2 or more years ago. I chose this one because its the absolute cheapest, I want to lose weight but I don't want to think about creating some wacky juice, soup or other recipe everyday when I have a job to go to every bloody day. We'll see how this goes, my will power is definitely up there but oddly I have a new motivation to be a miserable slim person than the miserable fatty I already am.

Boyfriend.

I still live with that man and hate it. That's no to say I don't love him because I very much do, but there are many days that I don't particularly like him and feel I should probably be with someone else... More on that later.

Mother.

I have slowly rebuilt some sort of relationship with the woman but it is based on a lie. I pretend I have changed - with regards to losing weight and my bad credit history - both of which have just gone from bad to worse, and she pretends she's more caring and loves me for who I am (who she thinks I am anyway). I feel that I should really make a go of fixing are relationship but the kind of woman she is dictates that that won't be possible until I have 'fixed' myself and can at least be 50% happy in my own skin as opposed to 0.5. It would help my resilience for one thing as she preys on my self hate.

University.

Still not there! Can you imagine that?! Well the only step taken is that I have re-chosen a course in buying and merchandising, and readied my application. Annoyingly waiting for my current manager to stop dragging her feet and write my personal statement so there you go. There's still the mystery of how to raise the funds to actually go... Considering the universities I wish to go to it will either be £9000 or £7800, however I know both would allow me to pay half on enrolling and the rest on some sort of payment plan, a long way to go regardless as I should have at least £4500 by September and I have exactly £30 in the tuition fee fund at this moment.

Work.

I kinda hate-like the company I'm working for but at the end of the day I've negotiated two raises and can't shun the money for anything with this mountain I have to climb so I'm pretty much dealing with it. The main reason why it's best now more than ever to lose weight is that is the single thing holding me back from earning twice as much from less days work. So drop 6

My Absence

So I'm a pretty terrible person. I've neglected everyone on here for most if not all of this year. Truth is I've been stuck in a circle of shame so big I just haven't been able to get through. I'm still really huge because the honest truth is I have much bigger problems in life than those pertaining to my vanity. I haven't made it to uni ... Really... long story and definitely won't go until next year unless I win the lottery. Me and my mum are in a really weird place, I've tried letting bygones be bygones but she constantly reminds me that she's the cause of most of my misery - even being the sort of wild child that I was whilst still being one of the smartest in my year shouldn't justify how she treated me and how small I was made to feel. Then there's my boyfriend ... This month marks a year of us living together and each day I wake up next to him I'm just not certain which feelings I'll have for him. I'm certain that I love him but I have no clue how long it will last, whether I can remain faithful to him or if he's even good enough for me. It's so weird and probably terrible of me to say but I feel like he represents all the things in my life which are stopping me from being the happiest I can be and living the life I deserve.

These are all the feelings I've been trying to cope with in my absence. I may or may not have mentioned this here but I have struggled with a serious depression a number of times since the age of 16. I can't say I am suicidal but there have been times most recently last month we're ending it seemed the only option. If I can't be truly happy I wonder how it might be to just sink into the abyss.

But I'm afraid of dying so instead it really is time to change my life completely starting with my weight. I have some huge problems to contend with but GOD I would love to know how it feels to be comfortable in my own skin. It would make tackling life so much easier.

I shan't say anymore right now just want to read up on all your lovely blogs... Hope you all remembered me :)

Nyt,
J xxx