Life update

First of all... Today I am 226.2 pounds with a body fat percentage of 50.3

Next. My life, as it always has done, sucks. I read a couple of my last posts on here the other day and laughed mirthlessly at how little things had changed in over 10 months, or a year or 2 years! Any little change there has been, was for the absolute worse. I'll break it down in as concise a way as possible.

Weight loss.

Well if there is anyone still out there who has even glanced one of my past blog posts you'll see from the figure above I have done nothing but gain weight. There was a period in the way back when I lost whichever anoint of pounds, but stood here today nearing 230 pounds that means nothing now. My biggest gripe with myself is that I shed a Nile river of tears when I first hit 190 pounds and was so disgusted in my appearance, but now nearly 40 pounds down the line I've basically just accepted my gross look. My complacency of escalating to a dress size 20 over 3 months makes me want to cut myself to understand if I even know how to feel. But I'm a wuss so that won't happen!

Diet.

Today I have started the saints and slimmers diet, I think it's available only in the UK. It's your typical low carb VLCD same sort of products as the Cambridge diet I had tried maybe 2 or more years ago. I chose this one because its the absolute cheapest, I want to lose weight but I don't want to think about creating some wacky juice, soup or other recipe everyday when I have a job to go to every bloody day. We'll see how this goes, my will power is definitely up there but oddly I have a new motivation to be a miserable slim person than the miserable fatty I already am.

Boyfriend.

I still live with that man and hate it. That's no to say I don't love him because I very much do, but there are many days that I don't particularly like him and feel I should probably be with someone else... More on that later.

Mother.

I have slowly rebuilt some sort of relationship with the woman but it is based on a lie. I pretend I have changed - with regards to losing weight and my bad credit history - both of which have just gone from bad to worse, and she pretends she's more caring and loves me for who I am (who she thinks I am anyway). I feel that I should really make a go of fixing are relationship but the kind of woman she is dictates that that won't be possible until I have 'fixed' myself and can at least be 50% happy in my own skin as opposed to 0.5. It would help my resilience for one thing as she preys on my self hate.

University.

Still not there! Can you imagine that?! Well the only step taken is that I have re-chosen a course in buying and merchandising, and readied my application. Annoyingly waiting for my current manager to stop dragging her feet and write my personal statement so there you go. There's still the mystery of how to raise the funds to actually go... Considering the universities I wish to go to it will either be £9000 or £7800, however I know both would allow me to pay half on enrolling and the rest on some sort of payment plan, a long way to go regardless as I should have at least £4500 by September and I have exactly £30 in the tuition fee fund at this moment.

Work.

I kinda hate-like the company I'm working for but at the end of the day I've negotiated two raises and can't shun the money for anything with this mountain I have to climb so I'm pretty much dealing with it. The main reason why it's best now more than ever to lose weight is that is the single thing holding me back from earning twice as much from less days work. So drop 6