Sunday, 8 January 2012

New Year New Me... J'espère

Happy New Year Beauties!! ( VERY belated I know :D)

I know I'm a few days late but there's good reason . . .

I'm starting over deleting the last 19 months of failure and misery on this blog. Out with the old and in with the new and all that! This will be my first official blog post to mark the new year and the rest of my life.

For those who know me, maybe I follow you or you me - hopefully both ;) . . . might know that i've been at this for a very long time. My first blog post regarding weight loss was in April 2010 when I was  a whopping 196 pounds or 89 kilos. I started reading around the different blogs I think the very first I followed was Heather and as I watched others progress I became hungry to do the same to shed the fat and if anything in my fucked up life at least get my weight under control.

Having said that as I stand here today at 179.6 pounds in 2012 I feel worthless. A meagre loss of 16 pounds despite the goals I had set - wanting to be 165 by my LA trip in June '10 wanting to be 165 by my return to uni in Sep '10 wanting to be 165 by my New York trip in Aug '11 wanting to be 165 by my own 21st birthday in Nov '11. It just gets pathetic doesn't it. And I can imagine how lack luster it is for you guys to see me talk about starting over every month having not seen a pound of weight loss.

When I think of why this is I know deep down I havent wanted it enough, havent hated myself enough - or consistently at least - to just want to drop the fat. I've had luck - not always- with men finding me really attractive and sexy even though i'm just a wobbly mess and other people in general having the guts to tell me that they're jealous of MY body like WTF in the UK I am jut under the clinically obese line with a bmi of 29.2.

"Dreams are only dreams until you work hard to make them a reality."
I dont know if I can attribute it to her but I 'borrowed' this from Nessa's blog and hadn't seen it before. This really resonates with me because even though I began to fully come to terms with how much I despised my weight, my body, my LIFE - I have done nothing but dream. I HAVE NOT BEEN WORKING HARD ENOUGH AND THAT STOPS NOW.

Thank you to those who followed me always-
Thank you to those who followed me since this week-

I hope to be slimmer and better for you all in 2012



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